


A Peculiar and Potentially Embarrasing Proposal

by AlerionRosseau



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Retcon Timeline, The Meteor, Things are fun and then angst and then fun again, descriptions of pretend physical violence in chapter three, don't know how violent this counts as, like appropriate for canon probably?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-07-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 10:01:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7613743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlerionRosseau/pseuds/AlerionRosseau
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave makes a proposal to Karkat. A proposal to play house in a completely heterosexual sort of way. But is it really heterosexual? No, Dave is still working through his personal shit. But this could be plenty embarrassing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which The Proposal Is Made

TG: karkat  
TG: karbro  
TG: karbrorator  
TG: karcarino  
CG: WHAT? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT AT THIS HOUR?  
TG: were you asleep?  
CG: I REALIZE THAT THERE IS NOTHING OUTSIDE BUT THE UNENDING VOID OF PARADOX SPACE AND A MURDEROUS DOG DEMON TO INDICATE THE PASSAGE OF TIME BUT YES STRIDER I WAS ASLEEP AS WAS ANY SANE PERSON BE AT THIS RIDICULOUS FUCKING HOUR EXCEPT APPARENTLY FOR YOU! WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU INSOMNIAC FUCK!   
TG: i was thinking about the mayor  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK STRIDER?  
TG: no but here me out. like, he’s all alone. like, probably the last of his species, or his iteration of his species. i don’t know  
TG: does he ever miss anyone? did he leave anyone on derse? like a wife or something?tg: or wherever he came from  
TG: like, he’s all alone, just putting everything he’s got into can town  
CG: CAN TOWN?  
TG: yeah bro, didn’t you notice that he was building a can town?  
CG: NO I DID NOT KNOW HE WAS MAKING A CAN TOWN.  
CG: WHAT LIKE IS IT? A TOWN FOR CANS OR IS IT A TOWN MADE OF CANS.  
TG: town made of cans  
TG: but my main point, i think he misses his family  
TG: or like, his town, but we can’t really give him a town  
TG: but what if he had like, a wife and kids  
TG: what if jack noir killed his wife and kids?  
TG: we’ll never know because he dosen’t say anything, like what do we do?  
TG: how can we help him with his unspoken and presumed trauma?  
CG: SWEET MILKBEAST SHITTING HELL STRIDER IS THIS WHY YOU WEAR SHADES? TO HIDE THE CIRCLES UNDER YOUR EYES FROM STAYING UP AT NIGHT THINKING ABOUT POINTLESS SHIT?  
CG: HE’S NOT THE ONLY PERSON TO LOOSE ANYONE AND I DON’T HAVE THE ENERGY TO THINK ABOUT THIS WHEN I AM TRYING TO SLEEP!  
CG: NOW I NEED TO GO BACK INTO MY RECUPRACOON SO THAT I CAN MAINTAIN MY MURDEROUS URGES TO A LARGELY SUBLIMINAL LEVEL, WHICH YOU ARE DECIDEDLY NOT HELPING WITH!  
TG: i want to play house with the mayor  
CG: YOU WANT TO WHAT?  
TG: i want to play house with the mayor. like, i want to be the mayor’s dad  
CG: WHY?  
CG: STRIDER, ANSWER ME?  
TG: sorry, i was expecting you to rant  
CG: WHY WOULD I GO INTO A RANT, STRIDER? YOU HAVE LEGITIMATELY SHOCKED ME INTO SILENCE, WHY AREN’T YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF STRIDER? WHY ARE YOU NOT STARTING A CELEBRATION. DAVE STRIDER HAS CAUSED KARKAT VANTAS TO PAUSE, TO HESITATE, YOUR BULLSHIT HAS GIVEN ME PAUSE STRIDER. MARK THIS DAY IN YOUR CALENDAR AND CELEBRATE IT EVERY SWEEP AS A HOLY DAY!  
TG: okay, cool, back on track  
TG: was worried about you there karbro  
TG: but for real, i just think this is a good idea  
TG: i think it would be good  
TG: for the mayor  
CG: WHY ME?  
CG: WHY NOT ROSE?  
TG: oh god no  
TG: rose can never know  
TG: do you understand me?  
CG: WHY CAN’T ROSE KNOW?  
TG: she. can. never. know  
CG: WHY?  
TG: just trust me on this man  
TG: she  
TG: can  
TG: never  
TG: know  
CG: OKAY, FINE.  
CG: SHE WILL NEVER KNOW. SHEESH.  
CG: WHY NOT ASK TZ? THIS SOUNDS LIKE MORE HER THING. IT’S ESSENTIALLY ROLE-PLAYING AND SHE’S INTO THAT.  
TG: yeah, she’s been hanging out with vriska and i don’t   
CG: OH RIGHT, VRISKA. NEVER MIND, BAD IDEA. DON’T DO THIS WITH TEREZI. VRISKA CAN NEVER KNOW.  
TG: what’s vriska got to do with this?  
CG: TRUST ME. YOU TELL THIS TO TEREZI AND VRISKA WILL KNOW ALL ABOUT IT.  
CG: AND VRISKA  
CG: CAN  
CG: NEVER  
CG: KNOW  
TG: dude are we joking?  
TG: like joking around like a pair of bros?  
CG: ASIDE FROM MY LEGITIMATE STATEMENTS REGARDING VRISKA HOW ARE WE NOT? I MEAN, WITH ALL THIS HOUSE THING?  
CG: AND WHAT IS HOUSE ANYWAYS?  
TG: okay so we’re going to be the mayor’s parents  
CG: ROLE PLAYING. OF COURSE. I CAN NEVER ESCAPE ROLE PLAYING.  
TG: dude it’s not role-playing  
CG: DO WE ACT OUT ASSIGNED ROLES BASED ON A SPECIFIC SCENARIO?  
TG: okay when you put it like that i can see how it can be mistaken for role-playing  
TG: but it’s not that lame i swear  
CG: OKAY STRIDER. YOU ARE LUCKY I WANT TO SEE WHERE YOUR GOING WITH THIS SHIT.  
TG: so you’ll do it?  
CG: OH MY GOD I PROBABLY AM.  
TG: sweet man  
TG: okay, so i’m going to be the dad. so you can be the mom  
CG: THE WHAT?  
TG: oh yeah, you were raised by wolves weren’t you?  
CG: LUSUS. MY CUSTODIAN IS CALLED A LUSUS. AND HE WAS A BEING SIMILAR TO YOUR HUMAN CRAB. WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS STRIDER.  
CG: ALSO I WANT TO KNOW WHY I HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED FEMALE?  
CG: ROSE HAS EXPLAINED TO ME THE INTRICACIES OF HUMAN FAMILY AND GENDER STRUCTURES AND QUITE FRANKLY I DO NOT SEE WHY I AM SUDDENLY A WOMAN IN THIS SCENARIO.  
TG: dude, you got to understand  
TG: we are trying to recreate a specific cultural setting of the american nuclear family  
TG: like, a dad, a mom, and two point six kids. the dad goes out and works hard to earn a living and the mom stays home and raises the kids to be proud americans.  
CG: HOW CAN YOU HAVE TWO POINT SIX KIDS?  
TG: it’s like a statistic man. don’t you have those on alternia  
CG: WE DON’T BECAUSE STATISTICS ARE STUPID.  
CG: WE ALSO DON’T HAVE THAT AND QUITE FRANKLY I RESENT THE IDEA OF ME BEING FORCED TO RAISE YOUR SPAWN  
CG: I HAVE DREAMS STRIDER. AND I DID NOT GET EARTH HITCHED TO BE SADDLED WITH YOU COMING HOME FROM WORKING IN THE DORK MINES AND NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR GODDAMN OFFSPRING!  
CG: I COULD HAVE BEEN A THRESHECUTIONER STRIDER. I COULD HAVE BEEN BRINGING GLORY TO THE GREATER ALTERNIAN EMPIRE RIGHT NOW BUT I’M STUCK DEALING WITH YOUR INADEQUACIES AS A HUMAN MALE!  
TG: wow dude, you’re really getting into it. i can’t believe how accurate your performance is  
CG: FUCK YOU STRIDER. I’M HAVING AN AFFAIR!  
TG: you're what?  
CG: YOU HEARD ME! I AM GOING TO FIND A YOUNGER PROSPECTIVE NUCLEAR BOND MATE. OR QUITE POSSIBLY A NON-NUCLEAR BOND MATE BECAUSE QUITE FRANKLY IT KIND OF DISTURBS ME THAT YOU HAVE A ROMANTIC SYSTEM BASED ON SMASHING MOLECULES TOGETHER TO TRIGGER MASSIVE EXPLOSIONS.  
TG: dude it was the fifties  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS NOR DO I HAVE THE PATIENCE.  
TG: dude browife, don’t do this. you’ll break my heart  
TG: you’ll fuck up little baby mayor.  
TG: kids know these things. when their bromoms are having affairs  
TG: you don’t want to destroy our child’s future, like traumatize him and shit  
CG: SEE THIS IS WHY MY CIVILIZATION IS BETTER THEN YOURS. WE DON’T HAVE COMPLICTED PARENTS.  
CG: WE JUST HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT OUR PARENTS TRYING TO KILL US.  
CG: BUT YOUR ALL “AHH THINK OF THE POTENTIAL PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE THIS MIGHT HAVE UPON OUR HUMAN GRUB CHILD. THEY MIGHT DEVELOP A COMPLEX OR SOMETHING.  
CG: IT’S ALREADY A BYGONE CONCLUSION THAT A LUSUS WILL FUCK YOU UP SOMEHOW, SO STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT.  
TG: look karbro, you know I love your whole superior alien being shtick but do you want to do this or not?  
CG: YES ACTUALLY. IF ONLY BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE THIS ENDS  
CG: BUT I WILL NOT SUBMIT TO THE THUMB OF YOUR PATRIARCHAL SYSTEM BECAUSE YOU SAY SO.  
CG: I SUGGEST ANOTHER OPTION.  
TG: I’m listening.  
CG: AFTER WE GET SOME MUCH NEEDED SLEEP WE WILL FLIP A TWO SIDED PENTACLE TO DETERMINE WHICH OF US SHALL BE THE HUMAN DAD AND WHICH SHALL BE THE HUMAN MOM.  
TG: okay. a coin flip  
TG: i can live with that  
CG: YES.  
CG: ALSO, DON’T TELL VRISKA WE’RE DOING THIS.  
CG: I AM NOT JOKING. SHE CAN NEVER KNOW.  
TG: yeah i get that  
TG: later karkicles  
CG: LATER ASSHOLE.


	2. In Which Attempts are Made to Manipulate the Strings of Fortune

[turntechGodhead has started pestering tentaclesTherapist]

TG: rose i need your light powers for an emergency  
TT: David is everything all right?  
TG: yes, i mean. i have no real reason to complain about anything  
TG: it’s like, an impending, non-lethal sort of emergency  
TG: that i can’t tell you about  
TT: Not knowing the nature of the emergency will make my assistance somewhat difficult to provide  
TT: What exactly can you tell me?  
TG: okay  
TG: so can you like, use your lighty powers to make something turn up dave strider  
TG: like make it so that i don’t have to do something embarrassing because i have left it up to the winds of fate  
TT: something embarrassing such as?  
TG: something i’d rather not tell you as my weird pseudo-ectosister  
TT: Alright David.  
TG: is that a yes?  
TT: No  
TT: At least, not without knowing what the variables are, and even then my powers are limited.  
TT: Does this involve anyone else?  
TG: rose, i want you to know that doing this was a mistake  
TG: oh my god why am i even bringing it up?  
TT: This has something to do with Karkat doesn't it?  
TG: what? no. that's ridiculus  
TG: i mean  
TG: what?  
TT: This is something that has to do with Karkat, I knew it.  
TG: oh my god

TT: Dave, what happened?  
TG: nothing. god  
TG: i just. god  
TG: i did something embarrasing, and now i need to talk to you because i'm even more embarrassed  
TT: What did you do?  
TG: okay  
TG: no i can't say  
TT: You're not exactly helping yourself here Dave.  
TG: i know  
TG: i'm doomed  
TT: You're probably not doomed.  
TG: okay  
TG: so, let's just say karkat and i have. an arrangement  
TT: Go on.  
TG: and in this arrangement, i may have put myself in a position where i could be placed in an awkward position  
TG: so i thought, hey why don't i ask rose who's basically supposed to be a big time oracle.  
TG: so i guess what i want to ask is "will i win the coin toss?"  
TT: Dave are you and Karkat engaging in sexual relations?  
TG: what? no?  
TG: why would you say that?  
TT: It just sounded like you and Karkat were deciding who would be on top.  
TG: oh my god rose. stop being gross  
TG: it's nothing like that  
TG: oh my god  
TG: it's a movie. we're just trying to decide what movie to watch  
TG: and i don't want to watch another troll will smith movie  
TT: Oh what's wrong with Troll Will Smith?  
TT: I loved him in Troll I Am Legend. It was in many ways a superior film to Human I Am Legend.  
TG: i just want some variety. you know  
TT: Don't I recall you saying that Troll Will Smith has an incredible range?  
TT: Yeah maybe like some doomed timeline me, maybe, I don't know what I said.  
TG: just can i win the coin toss?  
TT: Well, unfortunatly for this specific situation, that's not how it works.  
TT: My powers determine what is the best course of action, not necessarily the minor details.  
TT: I can tell you how to maximize your best possible options, but it is possible that your best option is to lose said coin toss.  
TG: for real?  
TG: god damn it  
TG: can i get back to you?  
TT: Asking Vriska appears to be neutral.  
TG: i wasn't going to ask vriska  
TT: Of course David.

[turntechGodhead has stopped pestering tentaclesTherapist]

[turntechGodhead has started pestering arachnidsGrip]

TG: hey  
AG: Why hello Dave  
AG: How have you 8een?  
AG: Haven't seen you in awhile.  
TG: yeah, actually i haven't seen you in awhile either  
TG: why is that?  
TG: never mind, i need to ask you a favour  
AG: Who do you want me to kill?  
TG: what, no. not that  
AG: awwwwwwww  
AG: ::::(  
TG: are you serious right now? like about killing people?  
AG: Of course not Dave. We have a mission. Don't 8e stupid.  
AG: We need to focus our energy on our eventual 8attle with Lord English  
AG: What do you want?  
TG: oh, um, i was wondering if you could maybe use your fate manipulating powers for me  
TG: like for a personal thing  
TG: that i don't really want to go into  
AG: Are you saying I should steal someone's f8 and give it to you?  
AG: Is this a8out Terezi?  
TG: yes  
AG: Really?  
TG: yes  
AG: Really Strider?  
TG: yeah, yeah  
AG: She's to good for you Dave  
TG: what?  
AG: TZ. You're not good enough for her.  
AG: As her moirail I can't let you two happen.  
AG: You'd 8reak her heart. And if you were, under any circumstances to 8reak her heart, I swear to the horrorterrors I will 8reak you.  
AG: Do you understand me Strider?  
TG: no. no. this is not about terezi  
TG: it's about karkat  
AG: Oh, you mean you and Karkat are 8ecoming a thing, finally?  
TG: what?  
AG: I mean, finally. I've 8een wondering why you aren't like, all up in each other's quadrants.  
AG: I'm seeing Kismesis, personally. How are you two doing for Kismesis?  
TG: oh my god, no  
TG: we are not being kismesits  
TG: i just  
TG: god  
TG: karkat doesn't want me to talk about it with you  
TG: oh shit  
AG: TZ is here, she says that you two would make cute m8sprits.  
AG: Personally I don't see it. You're always fighting.  
TG: what? are you talking about this with her?  
AG: Of course, that may just 8e Karkat's personality ru88ing of on you........  
AG: You 8eat your shiny red pajamas I am. This is gold.  
TG: oh my god  
TG: look, i just have a coin flip i need to make. can you just make it heads and stop obsessing over my alleged love life with karkat?  
AG: No and no.  
AG: Firstly, that's not how my powers work. If it doesn't 8enefit me, it doesn't work.  
TG: have you tried this out?  
AG: Don't need to. Secondly, I can't stop discussing you and Karkat 8ecoming an item 8ecause I find it freaking hilarious.  
AG: Also kind of inevita8le, unless one of you wants to get down with the clown.  
AG: which 8n't going to happen.  
TG: agh, just don't tell karkat. okay?  
AG: You're secrets safe with me Strider.  
AG: :::;)  
AG: we're all rooting for you two  
AG: Also Terezi says hello.  
TG: thanks

[turntechGodhead stopped pestering arachnidsGrip]

[tentaclesTherapist started pestering arachnidsGrip]

TT: You have received a request from Dave, yes?  
AG: Uuuuuuuuum, yes  
TT: He wanted you to arrange fate in a specific manner?  
AG: Yeah, I said no.  
AG: Don't worry a8out old Vriska messing a8out with their minds for my own pleasure and/or gain.  
AG: I think he was trying to 8ecome the dominant kisser in wh8ver secret thing him and Karkat have going.  
TT: I thought something similar.  
AG: What is his deal anyways?   
AG: He's just vacil8ing all over the place, like some kind of adora8le, stupid infant woof8east.  
AG: I just want to punch his face, 8ut in a cute sort of way. It's disgusting.  
TT: I know. It's sort of a human thing regarding our respective gender roles.  
TT: It's something of a taboo among human males, especially of Dave's age.  
TT: At some point he'll figure out that no one here is going to hold it against him and just roll with it.  
AG: What do you think they're up to anyway?  
TT: Dave said that it was about a movie. I suspect this to be a lie.  
TT: But I suspect this may trigger the sort of event Dave needs to get out of the closet.  
AG: Wh8ver. All the luck to his ridiculous self-image.   
TT: Are you and Terezi still coming to Lady's Night?  
AG: Yeah. Terezi wants to try out one of your human pasta salads.  
TT: Sounds delicious. Good luck on the clown hunt.  
AG: See you l8r Lalonde.

[tentaclesTherapist stopped pestering arachnidsGrip]


	3. In Which House is Attempted, but is not successful

Karkat: SO, ARE YOU READY?   
Dave: dave: hell yeah man. let’s get domestic and shit   
Karkat: ALRIGHT THEN, FUCK ASS. LET’S DO THIS STUPID THING.    
Dave: yes. really stupid thing. this thing we are about to do.    
Karkat: UNBELIEVABLY STUPID.    
Dave: and like, kinda lame   
Karkat: OH UNBELIEVABLY LAME.   
Dave: yeah, you sure you want to do this?   
Karkat: DON’T BACK OUT ON ME DAVE. YOU’LL DISAPPOINT OUR PRETEND SPAWN.    
Dave: oh yeah, you think we should have told the mayor what was going down?    
Karkat: HE SEEMS COOL WITH IT. PROBABLY DOESN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON.    
Dave: i don’t know, he seems pretty smart. you know, with the whole city infrastructure. he’s got plans, man.    
Karkat: HOW DO YOU KNOW? WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT INFRASTRUCTURE?    
Dave: i mean, i’ve seen buildings. i think we discussed civics in like, school once.    
Karkat: I DESIGNED MY OWN HOME.    
Dave: for serious?    
Karkat: YEAH FOR SERIOUS. BUT ENOUGH OF THAT, LET’S GET THIS STUPID ROLE-PLAYING SCENARIO GOING.   
Dave: right.    
Karkat: SO HEADS I’M THE MOM, TAILS YOU’RE THE MOM.    
Dave: okay.    
Karkat: ARE YOU READY?    
Dave: yes, i am    
Karkat: YOU LOOK TENSE.    
Dave: you look tense.    
Karkat: I ALWAYS LOOK TENSE.    
Dave: so do i.    
Karkat: YOU LOOK TENSER THEN USUAL.    
Dave: just flip the pentacle man   
Karkat: OKAY.  
Karkat: HEADS.   
Dave: yes. oh thank god. i thought you would have to be the mom.    
Karkat: OK. CONGRATULATIONS. SO WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN?    
Dave: what do you mean?    
Karkat: SO I’VE SEEN YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS GROW UP. MOSTLY JOHN, BUT I GOT THE BASICS OF HOW THIS IS SUPPOSED TO WORK. AND THE SYSTEM YOU EXPLAINED TO ME DOESN’T MATCH ANY OF THE EXAMPLES. YOU HAD ONE CUSTODIAN, ONE CHILD. YOU HAVE SPECIFIED TWO PARENTS, A MALE AND FEMALE, AND A VARIABLE NUMBER OF CHILDREN. I DON’T THINK THAT MATTERS HERE.   
Dave: dave: oh god your right.    
Karkat: JUST GIVE ME MY MOTIVATION STRIDER.    
Dave: um, okay. so, yeah, we’re married. which i guess is like the, like that one quadrant we bot have for sure.    
Karkat: MATESPRITSHIP, OKAY. HOW DID WE MEET?    
Dave: um, do you think that matters?    
Karkat: GOD DAMN IT STRIDER. I NEED TO KNOW MY CHARACTER. GIVE ME SOMETHING TO WORK OFF OF.    
Dave: you’re meg ryan.    
Karkat: WHAT?    
Dave: yeah, you know, like troll meg ryan.    
Karkat: THERE ISN’T A TROLL MEG RYAN.    
Dave: really? you don’t have a troll meg ryan? don't you have like a troll everyone? like, cheap alternian knock offs of famous earth celebrities   
Karkat: YOU KNOCKED UP ALTERNIAN CELEBRITIES.   
Dave: well maybe you should have knocked off meg ryan   
Karkat: YOU’RE LUCKY I DOWNLOADED ALL THOSE ROMANTIC COMEDIES FROM YOUR STUPID PLANET OR ELSE I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO FOLLOW YOUR IMPENETRABLE HUMAN SYNTAX.   
Dave: okay. so like, i guess we just use a romantic comedy as like, the skeleton of this thing    
Karkat: SO WE WERE LONG TERM MOIRAILS WHO MEET IN UNIVERSITY AND AFTER YEARS OF UNSUCCESSFUL ROMANCE AND US GROWING AS PEOPLE WE HAVE FINALLY BEEN ABLE TO ADMIT OUR TRUE FEELINGS, DESPITE YOUR WALLOWBEAST-HEADED OBSTINANCE?   
Dave: dave: yeah that sounds good.    
Karkat: I CAN DEFENETLY GO FOR THAT STRIDER.  
Karkat: AND WE HAVE THE MAYOR, WHO’S OUR KID.   
Dave: and i’m a successful movie director.    
Karkat: WHAT COULD YOU MAKE AS A MOVIE?    
Dave: sweet bro and hella jeff    
Karkat: SURE DAVE, FINE.    
Dave: the moiovie    
Karkat: THE WHAT?    
Dave: sweet bro and hella jeff: the moiovie. oh shit, i should write that down   
Karkat: OKAY. IF THIS MEANS WE’RE GOING TO LIVE OUR INDULGENT CHILDHOOD FANTASIES, I’M GOING TO BE A THRESHICUSHIONER.    
Dave: okay. cool. what’s a threshicushioner anyways?    
Karkat: LIKE, I’M THE ULTIMATE BADASS. I JUST KILL EVERYTHING.    
Dave: wow, okay. so i come home from a long day of doing movie director stuff. “good morning, my darling wife,” i say, “how was your day at home taking care of our infant child, the mayor?”    
Karkat: I STAND OVER THE BODY OF A DEAD ALIEN, MY TRUSTY SICKLE IN MY CLAW AS I HOLD THE DISTENDED SPINE OF A SECOND FOE.    
Dave: holy shit.    
Karkat: I LET OUT A SCREAM OF VICTORY OVER THE RED FIELDS OF THE NUCLEAR WASTELAND THAT IS THE FIFTIES. I AM FINE DEAR, HOW ARE YOU?    
Dave: holy shit karkat. is the mayor alright?    
Karkat: THE MAYOR IS FINE DAVE. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT, WORK WAS HELL. BEING BOTH A MOTHER AND ELITE SPACE MARINE IS DIFFICULT. BUT SEEING YOUR FACE AT THE END OF A DAY OF EVISCERATING THE ENEMIES OF THE ALTERNIAN EMPIRE, WELL IT JUST MAKES IT ALL WORTHWHILE HONEY BUNS.   
Dave: dave: um, yeah. holy shit man, i need to sit down.karkat:    
Karkat: OKAY, TIME OUT. YOU DOING OKAY STRIDER?    
Dave: yeah, i mean. i think, woah.    
Karkat: WAS I BEING TO MUCH? DID I GO OVERBOARD THERE?    
Dave: you now, like, maybe we need to do like, some...i don’t know man.    
Karkat: I’M SORRY, LIKE, I DIDN’T KNOW IT WOULD FUCK YOU UP LIKE THAT.    
Dave: dude, neither did i. i just. i need to sit down man.    
Karkat: OKAY. WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING FROM THIS THOUGH?    
Dave: what do you mean?    
Karkat: I MEAN, WHAT I DON’T GET IS THAT FROM WHAT I KNOW THIS SEEMS LIKE A FAIRLY PROSAIC. YOU DON'T REALLY EXPLAIN WHAT IT'S ABOUT. YOU SEEM EMBARRASSED TO BE EVEN DOING THIS, WHICH TO BE HONEST IS GREAT, IT'S A STEP UP FROM YOUR USUAL IDIOCY, BUT IT ALSO HAS ME WORRIED. LIKE, OKAY WHY IS HE EMBARRASSED ABOUT THIS OF ALL THINGS?    
Dave: because i’m never going to have it. i’m never going to have a normal life.    
Karkat: OKAY.    
Dave: like, i’ve been thinking about it, and none of us are going to have the life we wanted. and like, i had a pretty shitty upbringing man. like, i’d see stuff on tv and be all like, well fuck, were are my parents. how come i only have a bro, and how come the kids on tv get like, food in their fridges and aren’t learning fucking ninjutsu or whatever. so like, i figured i’d get that at some point. like, i’d meet a nice girl and move out to the suburbs. become like a banker or something. probably not a banker, but i’d get rich off of sbahj or maybe become like a paleontologist, but like, get that white picket fence and stuff. and like, now that’s probably never happened, and my life is even more fucked up. i just, and i thought, and oh god    
Karkat: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?    
Dave: sssssh    
Karkat: WHY ARE YOU HOLDING ME LIKE THIS DAVE?    
Dave: it’s a hug karbro.    
Karkat: WHY ARE YOU HUGGING ME?    
Dave: because i fucked up, okay. like, you ever get that feeling like your not having the feelings your supposed to be feeling? like, you’re going along and then you see something and it’s like ‘dang, these are not the feelings i’m supposed to be feeling.”karkat:    
Karkat: DAVE, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?    
Dave: i’m saying i’m gay.    
Karkat: DAVE    
Dave: i’m gay.    
Karkat: DAVE, YOUR HEAD.    
Dave: i’m gay kars.    
Karkat: DAVE, YOUR HEAD IS SLIPPING.    
Dave: oh fuck i’m gay.    
Karkat: DAVE WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HEAD?    
Dave: i’m so fucking gay karkat.    
Karkat: DAVE, GET YOUR HEAD OFF MY CHEST.    
Dave: i can’t. i’m too gay.    
Karkat: OH FUCK, NOW THE MAYOR IS HUGGING ME.    
Dave: i’m just so gay karcles.    
Karkat: OKAY, I GET IT. YOU’RE GAY. GOT TO SAY STRIDER, THIS MAY BE A SHOCK TO YOU, BUT I KIND OF HAVE IT FIGURED IT OUT.    
Dave: what?   
Karkat: I LIKE TO CONSIDER MYSELF AN EXPERT IN ROMANTIC EMOTIONS DAVE, GIVE ME SOME CREDIT HERE. YOU’RE ALSO NOT EXACTLY AS SUBTLE AS YOU THINK.    
Dave: i’m plenty subtle.    
Karkat: NO YOU’RE NOT STRIDER. YOU’RE AS SUBTLE AS A RAMPAGING ROPE NOSE BEAST. YOU ARE THE PERVERBILE MASCULINE MILK BEAST IN THE SHOP OF HIGHLY BREAKABLE GLASS ITEMS. TRYING TO HOLD BACK YOUR ILLICITE MAN LUST LIKE THE EMOTIONAL BULGE-TEASE THAT YOU ARE.    
Dave: dude, don’t rube it in. okay. i get it, i’m a big homo.    
Karkat: YEAH, I MEAN, I FIGURED YOU WERE ONLY CAPABLE OF FLUSHED FEELINGS AT FIRST, BUT YOU KIND OF LEAD ME FOR A LOOP HERE.    
Dave: what do you mean?    
Karkat: I MEAN I WANT TO START SOMETHING TO YOU IDIOT, BUT APPARENTLY YOUR OWN SOCIETAL ISSUES PREVENT YOU FROM EXPRESSING ATTRACTION TO A PERSON OF THE SAME GENDER AS YOU, WHICH IS STUPID.   
Dave: i’m so fucked up   
Karkat: I KNOW   
Dave: i’m so fucked up and gay.    
Karkat: WELL, YOU CAN AT LEAST BE GLAD IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU DON’T OWN THE SINGLE PERSON FORTUNE ON BEING BOTH FUCKED UP AND GAY. I TO AM MENTALLY TROUBLED AND THINK GUYS ARE HOT.  
Karkat: ALSO, THAT YOUR ENTIRE CIVILIZATION, WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE FOISTED UPON YOU SOME SORT OF IDEALIZED VERSION OF WHAT A HUMAN FAMILY IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE, THUS FORCING YOU TO ABIDE BY IDEALS YOUR NATURAL DESIRES DON’T WANT IS, WELL YOU KNOW, NO LONGER A THING. SO LIKE, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER.   
Dave: i guess    
Karkat: LIKE, MAYBE YOU COULD LET GO OF ME. BUT NOT LIKE, IF YOU DON’T WANT TO.    
Dave: this is actually kind of nice, actually.    
Karkat: I THINK WE’RE CONFUSING THE MAYOR.    
Dave: oh no, we had a fight in front of our kid.    
Karkat: HE IS PROBABLY GOING TO DEVELOP A COMPLEX NOW.    
Dave: aw dude, he probably is   
Karkat: POOR KID. HE’LL PROBABLY HAVE TO FIND A THINK PAN DOCTOR OR SOMETHING.DAVE:    
Dave: he seems to be doing a bunch of can stuff now. he’s probably going to be fine   
Karkat: YEAH, YEAH. HE’LL BE PERFECTLY FINE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So I tried this, but I honestly couldn't think of anything aside from Dave and Karkat having a talk about Dave's internalized heterosexism. As such, I will be adding a fourth chapter were they actually get around to being domestic and shit.


End file.
